contradictions

ok so here it is now.


you're sort of a beacon of marvelous light
that invariably weakens as you wind through the night
across town, through the streets and into my room
where i lie awake and think about you.

where i wonder what happens when everything ends
whether you will be there, and will my friends
and i toss and turn, try to squint through the fog
and attempt to quench my enmity with god

because he's the same god that loves the ones that i do
and he's the same god that hardened pharoah's heart
and he's the same god that brought me to you
and he's the same god that tears me apart.

it's the same sort of useless, trying to understand you
as trying to figure out what big man is up to
because you're the embodiment of all i ever wanted
all mysterious, all beautiful, understated, unflaunted

and so is that just the fault of the human condition?
a war hawk's nobel prize, justified by his admission?
the best loved, most generous in the ground are laid
the most beautiful woman can't love the way she's made

yeah he's the same god that loves the ones that i do
and he's the same god that hardened pharoah's heart
and he's the same god that brought me to you
and he's the same god that tears me apart.

some more recent drafts

"beacon"

you're sort of a beacon of marvelous light
that invariably weakens as it winds through the night
across town, through the streets and into my room
where i lie awake and think about you.


where i wonder what happens when everything ends
whether you'll be there, and will be my friends
and i toss and turn, try to squint through the fog
and attempt to quench my enmity with god


because he's the same god that loves the ones that i do
and he's the same god that hardened pharoah's heart
and he's the same god that brought me to you
and he's the same god that tears me apart.


it's the same sort of useless, trying to understand you
as trying to figure out what that crazy dude's up to
because you're an amalgam of everything i've ever wanted
all mysterious, all beautiful, all bjhfvhgc unflaunted

which is very obviously connected to this one: "following him"

are you the same god that
bets with the evil you created
tortures a good man, the best man
to show his loyalty to you


because i'm a big fan of you
and i really want to follow
but i'm afraid that somehow if i do
i might end up following him


are you the same god that
hardened pharoah's heart
to prove a point, perhaps or
to create some great mythology for us
to celebrate 2000 years later


because i'm a big fan of you
and i really want to follow
but i'm afraid that somehow if i do
i might end up following him


are you the same god that
condemns 2/3 of your creation
to torture, that created us evil
then blames us for the fact


because i'm a big fan of you, jesus
and i really want to follow
but i'm afraid that somehow if i do
i might end up following him


i thought about scrapping the second one and taking the good parts and turning it into the first one. we'll see. i like the verses of the first one but i like the chorus of the second one. and the first one is about two completely different things at the same time and i don't think it works.


either way, i've been writing and it's nice. my writer's block has lately been a frustration with not knowing more chords. :(

don't hang up your harp

D Bm
don't hang up your harp
G
when you're down by the river
Bm A
with a broken heart

don't hang up your guitar
when there's songs to be singin'
when love seems so far away

G Bm
we can still wake up refreshed
A D
be content with all we've got
we can still cuddle all morning
together lament for what we've lost

if there's anything i can tell ya
it's just, try for peace right where you are
and don't hang up your harp

don't give up just yet
it's on the horizon
we'll meet the threat

with dreams of a new day
some strategic idealism
to counter society's sway

economics won't get us there
nor will a new president
it'll be a song that we're livin'
that'll set the precedent

if there's anything i can tell ya
it's just, try for peace right where you are
and don't hang up your harp

we could smell the faeries' footprints
throughout the dew-drenched twilight air
though balance was difficult, if you stood still
bold ones would alight on your hair

and i haven't been so lucky
they don't seem to come around here
cuz imagination's long-lost creation
isn't compatible with fear

lovers who burn and
lovers who dream
are lovers who share
...

though my heart breaks
for the same things as yours
will the ember be still burning
if i can't see what it burns for

if dreams are the language of the soul
and it's my heart that translates
if i come to, and just be, on the mountain,
it may be that which decides my fate

rough drafts

change your name

yeah, we get along.
but what was that other thing
that plato said?
the greater good?
is there a greater good
is there
something more that
one could hope for another
than
what i hope for you?
and i'm pretty sure
your mom approves
but i wonder,
still i wonder
would you
change your name
for me?

i feel safer when i'm
with you like
all my fears or
inconsistencies or
insecurities or
inane
unfounded
rants of
self-important
idealism
are
somehow
OK
and for you i hope
i do the same
but i wonder,
still i wonder
would you
change your name
for me?

would you sacrifice that
bubbling, timid,
robin's egg,
or is it navy, or
sky, since,
i've heard that's
from where it gets
that brilliant aspect-
blue,
would you sacrifice
the slow-moving beauty,
the gurgling,
forest-dwelling,
that same-syllablled, but
infinitely more principled,
meaning-filled,
altogether you-defining,
surname, bestowed with
infinite love
from those who begat you?
would you
change your name
for me?

and i'm not really asking,
i'm much more romantic than that.
i'm solely musing,
confident that
i could do much,
much, much
worse;
that if there were anyone
less deserving,
i wouldn't know where or how to find them,
that i've no
trepidation about one day
deigning to ask the question.
just musing,
contemplating,
wondering not
whether you'd like to
hang out
again,
or forever, but simply
whether you'd ever
find me worthy,
whether you'd be willing
to lose the self that
you'd been for
twenty-odd-years,
whether you'd
be willing to
quite literally
change
as a result of knowing me?
would you,
i wonder,
yet, i wonder
would you change
your name
for me?


an autumn walk in boston

i've never been, but
i dream; i insist:
"heart, take heart.
only sit tight two,
or twelve years' time."
i lay silent, sedate, snug-
asleep-
and walk.
along a woody,
leaf-strewn footpath,
fireworks above-
mother's, mind you-
and gently
hold
your
hand
ambling slowly,
always,
so slowly,
with
limitless leisure,
because with
her cheerfully alacritous,
annual,
not aural-
and yet musical-
accompaniment-
and yours-
i'm
just
happy.

and happiness
like gold, is fleeting-
and its warmth
is
golden,
delicious,
a sour, succulent orange,
a bright candy red,
or a brilliant green
but whichever way, won't stay for long
especially in boston.

or at least
that's what i dream-
i've never been.