i don't wanna fall in love again

something like

am dm em em

c f g f 

i don't wanna fall in love again
cuz i don't wanna die
gotta feeling like another round of this heartbreak will
squeeze the little life left in me dry

and i know that i have done you wrong
confess my bitter failure to the sky
if anyone is listening, though i doubt it, well, one still can hope
that someone, anyone will reply

you are worthy of the promise you've been given
the past is nothing take all your regrets
bundle them with defeat and intransigence
strive forward until you have nothing left

but what's a silly hope in something greater
all around me is just frailty and defect
poverty, war and politics remind me that i don't mean shit
what more of myself could i expect

that i am worthy of the promise i've been given
the past is nothing take all my regrets
bundle them with defeat and intransigence
strive forward until i have nothing left

i want to believe that i can love again
free from the burden of my mistakes
i want to know i'm not my inadequacy
to hear trusted lover softly say

you are worthy of the promise you've been given
the past is nothing take all your regrets
bundle them with defeat and intransigence
strive forward until you have nothing left

hurt people

we all know that
hurt people
hurt people and a
hurt person's worth is
perverted from
serving people
to bringing em down

i've never been
so in love
with a place or a name that
an affront to that space has
justified causing pain
never had to save face
never had so much to gain

but then again
i've never been required by law
to live
in the colored district

if my father
had grown up in seattle
he would've

if he and his first wife had
getting a place together would have
been illegal
as recent as fucking 1968 -
the year they got married.

and so
because domination is paternalistic
so is internalized
racist
territorialism.

location, location, location.

gentrification doesn't work both ways though
white people in the colored district
don't hang your heads
this is a free country
free market
better prices, better neighborhoods
the last few generations of white families want
neighborhoods with diversity
with culture

but 23rd and union is not
lower capitol hill!
but as we motherfuckers with
our vegan queer co-op houses
open up shop all up and down 23rd
going further and further south
guess where the black people are going?

i guess i can't understand roots
because i've never had chains
when you're attached to your
forty acres

you get attached to them

i can't understand violence as an answer
because i haven't been asking the right questions

what does home
mean to me
and how much
is it worth?

and when it
hurts
so deep
you can't see your feet and
your fear is a foil to your
humanists' streak -
what makes the difference
between the fierce and the meek?
between those who would soothe
their hurt by loving
and those who amplify the impact
of their suffering
by spreading it to others?

someone once told me
namaste - your hurt is my hurt
aloha - your hurt is my hurt
ubuntu - your hurt is my hurt

you don't have to hurt me
because i felt it when you did.

so what's up with you kid?

two kids.
it's stupid;
enter the central district
one kid leaves,
bruised, battered and bleeding
asphalt and leaves
in his hair
to complement the cracked ribs

and this is what hurt kids do
and i ain't felt it
but let me tell you, kid
i hurt too

liberation

i think about all of the things that we will never do
and know that it won't be the same without you
hot air balloons and travels east
a five-year plan reduced to three
i still love you but that ain't enough is it?
sometimes the right decision feels like shit

and now we sleep alone again, crying two rooms apart
my friends tell me that fucking heals a broken heart
i haven't been rejected, though
freedom won't seem to let me go
i still love you but that ain't enough is it?
sometimes the right decision feels like shit

i have no illusions of
finding someone better for me
if this is liberation
give me back my lock and key

you were perfect for me

elijah

daddy daddy tell me tell me what's that in your arm
why you why you actin' crazy
why you yellin' at my mom
why you leavin don't you go
why you throwin' up your hands
don't you leave me don't you leave
you gotta teach me how to be a man
and i know you had it rough
or at least
i know you think you did
but i always thought you said
you'd never do that to your own kids
OK
gramma didn't do right
OK
she made her own mistakes
but was remorseful was resourceful
at least she put food on your plate
at least she tried
and yeah she lied
but never resigned herself to her fate so
so daddy daddy while you're out there gettin' crazy
and rebelling at the world
please don't forget don't forget
back at home
your baby boy and little girl?

lost cause

a new song i'm working on.

f c g am
i'm not trying
to get outta this life alive
when death taps me on the shoulder
to let me know that we've arrived

f c g am
yeah when that welcome passenger
forever on my tail
is the face of my maker
will he tell me that i've failed

f g
cause it's a lost cause
trying to stay on top
and in between the lines

f g
if all i can do
is just to hold you
we'll be all right

f c g am
i know
what i' been put here to do
that conviction took me by the wrist
and led me to you

f c g am
i see an old soul
behind those bright eyes
well if a love this true ain't enough
i'll never get it right

f g
cause it's a lost cause
trying to stay on top
and in between the lines

f g
if all i can do
is just to hold you
we'll be all right

i am a man.
i think
i mean
i used to know

i used to know
before i encountered all these little letters.
lgbtq - and if you're really feeling generous?
you can append a qiappa to the acronym but
sometimes i forget what
some of those letters mean
and it's easier to stick to q.

maybe because it's tough to define.

i used to be

something definable
something clear
something normal.

not something queer;
not different
not strange
never estranged from
those comfortable
conservative
estimates about human nature.

but estimates they were
just guesses
who wears dresses
and who pants

who kills the spider
inching closer
who comforts who
when

these things were natural
we were told

which of us
cooks dinner
three nights out of five
which of us
six nights out of seven
is the big spoon

who initiates

who's masculine
who's got strength
and who power
who took a minute
and who an hour

who's cute and
who's not
who gets your
stomach, heart, dick
tied up in knots

who features in flights of fancy, and
who you wanna go home with
who you want to marry
who completes that myth

we were taught when we were young
about right and wrong
about love and hate
in all those silly love songs,
those fables, those films

that were never about
a bad-ass,
masculine-ass,
hard-ass dude
and another dude

that were never about
mutual understanding
respect
consent
caring
the long term

and i wonder becuase

cuz i loved a girl.
i did,
but i also think
this dude i know's cute

so how can one be a man
when one's integrity is -
if not lost but
in doubt

because how can one be whole
when one doesn't even know
half of the multitudes one contains

we are boundless creatures
says this poster above a past mentor's desk
but all i've ever known
are boundaries

all i've ever known is
pre-defined
outlined
prolly blind
identities
intertwined
with religion
and circumstance
and what's right
and wrong

if there's a letter for me
it's q
and
while it's comforting that
there's a letter for me
it doesn't provide security

and so i'm
lost in the ether
maybe forever
wondering what or who
i am
i loved a girl
but i'm not,
according to what i've been taught
a man

when the light places become dark again
and you're left no face to save
when you're honest with yourself
when you smile quietly

then the dark places become light again
and the fears melt - like pounds could
if they would -
if you would -
be better -
and then
it's dark again