i am a man.
i think
i mean
i used to know

i used to know
before i encountered all these little letters.
lgbtq - and if you're really feeling generous?
you can append a qiappa to the acronym but
sometimes i forget what
some of those letters mean
and it's easier to stick to q.

maybe because it's tough to define.

i used to be

something definable
something clear
something normal.

not something queer;
not different
not strange
never estranged from
those comfortable
conservative
estimates about human nature.

but estimates they were
just guesses
who wears dresses
and who pants

who kills the spider
inching closer
who comforts who
when

these things were natural
we were told

which of us
cooks dinner
three nights out of five
which of us
six nights out of seven
is the big spoon

who initiates

who's masculine
who's got strength
and who power
who took a minute
and who an hour

who's cute and
who's not
who gets your
stomach, heart, dick
tied up in knots

who features in flights of fancy, and
who you wanna go home with
who you want to marry
who completes that myth

we were taught when we were young
about right and wrong
about love and hate
in all those silly love songs,
those fables, those films

that were never about
a bad-ass,
masculine-ass,
hard-ass dude
and another dude

that were never about
mutual understanding
respect
consent
caring
the long term

and i wonder becuase

cuz i loved a girl.
i did,
but i also think
this dude i know's cute

so how can one be a man
when one's integrity is -
if not lost but
in doubt

because how can one be whole
when one doesn't even know
half of the multitudes one contains

we are boundless creatures
says this poster above a past mentor's desk
but all i've ever known
are boundaries

all i've ever known is
pre-defined
outlined
prolly blind
identities
intertwined
with religion
and circumstance
and what's right
and wrong

if there's a letter for me
it's q
and
while it's comforting that
there's a letter for me
it doesn't provide security

and so i'm
lost in the ether
maybe forever
wondering what or who
i am
i loved a girl
but i'm not,
according to what i've been taught
a man