I meant everything.
(But not;
I mean,
those parts in which I said
that I would always care or
that I could
never leave your side.)
Well, I did say those things
and I believed them
and meant them
when say them
I did.
Times are different,
now,
and I don't know if those
old, fragile promises can still hold
when you sleep in beds
that don't belong to you or I,
and you peer subconciously
for a mirror from the corner
(Or a camera lens.)
That means you care
for me
so I can't blame you
or feel pain;
I'm no longer allowed
to do that.
Right?
I might, in fact,
have changed my entire demeanor
since you left;
It's different, for sure-
I mean, were it not for
video,
photograph,
knick-knack,
conversations kept,
and this inexhaustible memory
I clearly
would have
forgotten
you
by now.
Tuesday, January 24
love actually
My heart pumps; my feet tap the floor.
Carry-on luggage is weightless in my arms as I run.
I can see you before I see you;
I can feel your embrace,
yet you are still far off.
When, finally, we reunite...
you aren't the same person
that flew away five months prior to today.
And when we meet again, some day soon,
I truly, and with all hope focused on the opposite,
doubt I'll likely be able to recognize you.
The airport-- love is actually all around us.
Surrounding-- suffocated. By everything
that we cannot seem to grasp.
Carry-on luggage is weightless in my arms as I run.
I can see you before I see you;
I can feel your embrace,
yet you are still far off.
When, finally, we reunite...
you aren't the same person
that flew away five months prior to today.
And when we meet again, some day soon,
I truly, and with all hope focused on the opposite,
doubt I'll likely be able to recognize you.
The airport-- love is actually all around us.
Surrounding-- suffocated. By everything
that we cannot seem to grasp.
Monday, January 2
A short screenplay part III
John: I just remember when I met her. It’s like, have you seen Say Anything?
Seth: [Nods]
John: It’s like, after she breaks up with him, and he’s driving around? You know, the part, and then he’s like, “Here is the site of our controversial first date. We met in a mall. I should have known it was doomed”. I mean, I met Natalie in an American Eagle store. I should have known that we were doomed.
Seth: [laughs]
John: Yeah, yeah. But it was so cute, the way we first met. It completely reminds me of a Richard Linklater movie. I think my entire life could be a movie, directed by Richard Linklater. Or John Hughes. But it couldn’t be by Hughes unless she and I get back together in a bunch of years or something. Or maybe, I meet her in Korea in 8 years and then you’re not even sure if we get back together. Then it would be by Linklater. Personally, I hope that it’s by Hughes. And then John Cusak could play me, only like, an Asian version of John Cusak. That would be ideal.
Derek: What the hell are you talking about, man?
John: When I met Natalie. I met her in American Eagle. [continues talking, indistinct]
Derek [to Jones]: Why is he telling us about when we met her?
Jones [to Derek]: Just let him talk, man. He’s gotta work through this shit. When Kelly breaks up with you, you’re going to want to talk about it.
Derek [to Jones]: We’re going to get fucking married, and then you’ll see.
Jones [to Derek]: Whatever, shut up.
John [still talking]: I stood there for a while, by like, the little station where you can customize your clothes? And I remember looking outside, because I thought it might snow. And it wasn’t snowing, but I was hoping it would, because I always want snow when it’s Christmas, you know? Everyone does. That fucking song, that whole “White Christmas” mentality took us all by storm and ingrained into our heads that snow plus Christmas equals happiness or something. I don’t even know the words to that song, but I know that I wanted it to snow.
SCENE CHANGE- AMERICAN EAGLE STORE
John [voice over]: So I stood there, and I could sort of see her. I don’t know if any of you have seen this movie, My Sassy Girl? But in the movie the guy is like, “She’s definitely my type” right when he first sees her. And I don’t really have a type, but she was definitely my type, that’s all I could really tell. And you know how shy I am, I have never been able to approach a girl outright. And this was like, over a year ago too, you know? So I was even way shyer. But for some strange, cosmic reason, I decided to go over there. I wasn’t shopping anyways, you know? I never shop; I just walk around looking at stuff. Anyway, so I just went over there, it was the craziest thing. And I sat down.
John [sitting down]: Hi.
Natalie: Hi there. [Awkward silence]
John: You know, I … [awkward] um, OK, I have a confession to make.
Natalie: If you must.
John: I’m going to be entirely honest—I worked up all of my courage to come over here and talk with you, but I really didn’t think about what to say after “Hi”.
Derek [voice over, BACK TO DORM SCENE]: That fucking shit worked? That’s either the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard, or the best.
Jones: Shut the fuck up, Derek. But John, seriously, how can that have worked?
John: Seriously. I have no idea! She must have been really emotionally desperate or something. I don’t know. Maybe she was bored.
Derek: Lucky bastard.
John: Anyways… [SCENE GOES BACK]
John [VO]: She was like, “You could talk about the weather, or something equally mundane. That’s how these things usually work. Or you could surprise me.” So I thought about it.
John: Are you Christmas shopping?
Natalie: Is that all you have?
John: I’ll get there, believe me. Are you, though?
Natalie: No, I’ve pretty much spent all of my money thus far. It’s only a few days until Christmas, too, you know. Shopping now is a little bit lame
John: I agree, I agree. OK, so get this: I’m a gambling man by nature, and well, if I was to bet, I would say that… you’re the type of person has no money to spend on Christmas shopping… because you’ve already spent all of it on your friends?
Natalie: That’s quite astute of you. Go on.
Derek [VO]: Did they really talk like that?
Jones [VO]: Who cares. Shut the fuck up.
John: Well, I also speculated that you’re the type of person that has an opinion on things.
Natalie: I tend to, on occasion.
John: OK, so I was just thinking about Christmas, and presents. Like, I’m in the same boat as you; I think I have about $2.00 in my checking account right now, because I’ve spent so much money on other people this year. I have spent more money on my friends this year than I ever have in the past. It’s just weird because I don’t even know why. I mean, I don’t like my friends any more this year than in the past, and I don’t have more money or anything this year. I’m left wondering whether it has something to do with the passage of time, you know? Like, I’m 18 now. Is it because of adulthood, you know? I actually don’t know how old you are…
Natalie: 18.
John: OK, so I mean, now that we’re adults, does that mean we have to make good on that old idiom, you know? Like, when we’re kids, it’s OK that we favor receiving over giving, that’s just, normally accepted in society or something. When we’re kids, the more presents under the tree equals the more happiness. But why the sudden shift? Is it something to do with me biologically or something? That what gives me pleasure, suddenly, is purchasing items for other people where I used to only get pleasure from receiving things from them? I don’t really get it. When, and more importantly why, does it become better to give than receive?
Natalie: I think it does have to do with that, the fact that we’re adults now. It’s like, when you turn 18 you don’t feel any different, you know? Like, every birthday when you are little you expect to wake up completely different. You remember that? We all had this idea, like you are the exact same age for 364 days and then on the 365th day you age an entire year overnight and you should look and feel radically different the next morning? It’s the same, when you turn 18, you’re just one day older. But you actually do change a lot overnight whether you like it or not. It’s like, the knowledge that you are now considered an adult—the knowledge that you can now vote, you can now, buy cigarettes, or porn, or go to jail, or be sued for rape, I mean, just the general knowledge that you are now an adult creates in everyone this new sense of responsibility. And we don’t feel it physically or anything, it’s not tangible, we don’t even notice it, but it affects our behaviour, it makes it OK for our brain to rationalize making purchases for other people where it would think that was strange before. I don’t know, it’s not easy to explain or anything.
John: No, I get what you’re saying completely.
Natalie: It’s just like… shoot, I can’t even think of a good analogy. I’m usually so good at those.
John: Don’t worry about it. You know what’s funny?
Natalie: What?
John: My friends are all as old as I am or older, but… I know that I’m not going to get anything back from them. It kind of ruins the whole spirit of giving eh? Knowing that you won’t be receiving?
Natalie: [laughs] Maybe everyone else just isn’t really ready to grow up, no matter how old they get.
John: Sometimes I guess I envy that freedom they still have.
Natalie: What do you mean?
John: Well,… [looks over] Hello.
Friend: Hi. Natalie, ready to go?
Natalie: Oh, yeah, sure. [stands] Diane, this is…
John: John. Nice to meet you Diane. [shakes her hand]. Nice to meet you, Natalie. It was a pleasure talking with you.
Natalie: Me too… See you later, I guess?
John: I hope so. [watches her walk away, waves as she exits the door] [sits back down] [Natalie runs in]
Natalie: Hey.
John: Hey! I thought you were leaving…?
Natalie: I told her I forgot my cell phone in here. Here. [hands a note with her phone number] Let’s do this again?
John: I would love to, Natalie.
Natalie: See you soon, John. Bye.
John: Bye.
SCENE CHANGES
John: I called her that night and we talked for like 2 hours. She was busy the next day, but after that we basically hung out every day for an entire year, and it was pretty much bliss, man.
Seth: That sounds like some kind of storybook or something.
John: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Every day. That’s what I was saying; it was like some Linklater movie.
Derek: How long did it take for you guys to have sex?
Jones: How many times to I need to tell you to shut the fuck up?
John: Derek, I find it fascinating that you’re so obsessed with my sex life. It’s as though you didn’t have one of your own. [covers mouth] oops!
[everyone laughs]
Derek: Ah, shut up.
END
Seth: [Nods]
John: It’s like, after she breaks up with him, and he’s driving around? You know, the part, and then he’s like, “Here is the site of our controversial first date. We met in a mall. I should have known it was doomed”. I mean, I met Natalie in an American Eagle store. I should have known that we were doomed.
Seth: [laughs]
John: Yeah, yeah. But it was so cute, the way we first met. It completely reminds me of a Richard Linklater movie. I think my entire life could be a movie, directed by Richard Linklater. Or John Hughes. But it couldn’t be by Hughes unless she and I get back together in a bunch of years or something. Or maybe, I meet her in Korea in 8 years and then you’re not even sure if we get back together. Then it would be by Linklater. Personally, I hope that it’s by Hughes. And then John Cusak could play me, only like, an Asian version of John Cusak. That would be ideal.
Derek: What the hell are you talking about, man?
John: When I met Natalie. I met her in American Eagle. [continues talking, indistinct]
Derek [to Jones]: Why is he telling us about when we met her?
Jones [to Derek]: Just let him talk, man. He’s gotta work through this shit. When Kelly breaks up with you, you’re going to want to talk about it.
Derek [to Jones]: We’re going to get fucking married, and then you’ll see.
Jones [to Derek]: Whatever, shut up.
John [still talking]: I stood there for a while, by like, the little station where you can customize your clothes? And I remember looking outside, because I thought it might snow. And it wasn’t snowing, but I was hoping it would, because I always want snow when it’s Christmas, you know? Everyone does. That fucking song, that whole “White Christmas” mentality took us all by storm and ingrained into our heads that snow plus Christmas equals happiness or something. I don’t even know the words to that song, but I know that I wanted it to snow.
SCENE CHANGE- AMERICAN EAGLE STORE
John [voice over]: So I stood there, and I could sort of see her. I don’t know if any of you have seen this movie, My Sassy Girl? But in the movie the guy is like, “She’s definitely my type” right when he first sees her. And I don’t really have a type, but she was definitely my type, that’s all I could really tell. And you know how shy I am, I have never been able to approach a girl outright. And this was like, over a year ago too, you know? So I was even way shyer. But for some strange, cosmic reason, I decided to go over there. I wasn’t shopping anyways, you know? I never shop; I just walk around looking at stuff. Anyway, so I just went over there, it was the craziest thing. And I sat down.
John [sitting down]: Hi.
Natalie: Hi there. [Awkward silence]
John: You know, I … [awkward] um, OK, I have a confession to make.
Natalie: If you must.
John: I’m going to be entirely honest—I worked up all of my courage to come over here and talk with you, but I really didn’t think about what to say after “Hi”.
Derek [voice over, BACK TO DORM SCENE]: That fucking shit worked? That’s either the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard, or the best.
Jones: Shut the fuck up, Derek. But John, seriously, how can that have worked?
John: Seriously. I have no idea! She must have been really emotionally desperate or something. I don’t know. Maybe she was bored.
Derek: Lucky bastard.
John: Anyways… [SCENE GOES BACK]
John [VO]: She was like, “You could talk about the weather, or something equally mundane. That’s how these things usually work. Or you could surprise me.” So I thought about it.
John: Are you Christmas shopping?
Natalie: Is that all you have?
John: I’ll get there, believe me. Are you, though?
Natalie: No, I’ve pretty much spent all of my money thus far. It’s only a few days until Christmas, too, you know. Shopping now is a little bit lame
John: I agree, I agree. OK, so get this: I’m a gambling man by nature, and well, if I was to bet, I would say that… you’re the type of person has no money to spend on Christmas shopping… because you’ve already spent all of it on your friends?
Natalie: That’s quite astute of you. Go on.
Derek [VO]: Did they really talk like that?
Jones [VO]: Who cares. Shut the fuck up.
John: Well, I also speculated that you’re the type of person that has an opinion on things.
Natalie: I tend to, on occasion.
John: OK, so I was just thinking about Christmas, and presents. Like, I’m in the same boat as you; I think I have about $2.00 in my checking account right now, because I’ve spent so much money on other people this year. I have spent more money on my friends this year than I ever have in the past. It’s just weird because I don’t even know why. I mean, I don’t like my friends any more this year than in the past, and I don’t have more money or anything this year. I’m left wondering whether it has something to do with the passage of time, you know? Like, I’m 18 now. Is it because of adulthood, you know? I actually don’t know how old you are…
Natalie: 18.
John: OK, so I mean, now that we’re adults, does that mean we have to make good on that old idiom, you know? Like, when we’re kids, it’s OK that we favor receiving over giving, that’s just, normally accepted in society or something. When we’re kids, the more presents under the tree equals the more happiness. But why the sudden shift? Is it something to do with me biologically or something? That what gives me pleasure, suddenly, is purchasing items for other people where I used to only get pleasure from receiving things from them? I don’t really get it. When, and more importantly why, does it become better to give than receive?
Natalie: I think it does have to do with that, the fact that we’re adults now. It’s like, when you turn 18 you don’t feel any different, you know? Like, every birthday when you are little you expect to wake up completely different. You remember that? We all had this idea, like you are the exact same age for 364 days and then on the 365th day you age an entire year overnight and you should look and feel radically different the next morning? It’s the same, when you turn 18, you’re just one day older. But you actually do change a lot overnight whether you like it or not. It’s like, the knowledge that you are now considered an adult—the knowledge that you can now vote, you can now, buy cigarettes, or porn, or go to jail, or be sued for rape, I mean, just the general knowledge that you are now an adult creates in everyone this new sense of responsibility. And we don’t feel it physically or anything, it’s not tangible, we don’t even notice it, but it affects our behaviour, it makes it OK for our brain to rationalize making purchases for other people where it would think that was strange before. I don’t know, it’s not easy to explain or anything.
John: No, I get what you’re saying completely.
Natalie: It’s just like… shoot, I can’t even think of a good analogy. I’m usually so good at those.
John: Don’t worry about it. You know what’s funny?
Natalie: What?
John: My friends are all as old as I am or older, but… I know that I’m not going to get anything back from them. It kind of ruins the whole spirit of giving eh? Knowing that you won’t be receiving?
Natalie: [laughs] Maybe everyone else just isn’t really ready to grow up, no matter how old they get.
John: Sometimes I guess I envy that freedom they still have.
Natalie: What do you mean?
John: Well,… [looks over] Hello.
Friend: Hi. Natalie, ready to go?
Natalie: Oh, yeah, sure. [stands] Diane, this is…
John: John. Nice to meet you Diane. [shakes her hand]. Nice to meet you, Natalie. It was a pleasure talking with you.
Natalie: Me too… See you later, I guess?
John: I hope so. [watches her walk away, waves as she exits the door] [sits back down] [Natalie runs in]
Natalie: Hey.
John: Hey! I thought you were leaving…?
Natalie: I told her I forgot my cell phone in here. Here. [hands a note with her phone number] Let’s do this again?
John: I would love to, Natalie.
Natalie: See you soon, John. Bye.
John: Bye.
SCENE CHANGES
John: I called her that night and we talked for like 2 hours. She was busy the next day, but after that we basically hung out every day for an entire year, and it was pretty much bliss, man.
Seth: That sounds like some kind of storybook or something.
John: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Every day. That’s what I was saying; it was like some Linklater movie.
Derek: How long did it take for you guys to have sex?
Jones: How many times to I need to tell you to shut the fuck up?
John: Derek, I find it fascinating that you’re so obsessed with my sex life. It’s as though you didn’t have one of your own. [covers mouth] oops!
[everyone laughs]
Derek: Ah, shut up.
END
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