we laid together on the bed
and tears welled up in my eyes.
you didn't understand
but neither did i.

remember

I seem to remember that one time at Albertson's...
you grabbed my arm, and we up and danced!
That music- so poor. But we were perfect;
alone in a crowd, alone in a world of our own.

The first time we ever met- for our very first date...
you were tired, jet lagged for sure, and red were your eyes.
But you came out to see me, so excited, and up we went.
You told me you were cold, but I left on my jacket!

We've moved pretty far from there, haven't we?
I'm here for you now, if you ever do need me.
But... I don't think you do anymore.
I think- you're just a bit too busy out finding yourself.

Together, it felt like we were perfect.
I was sure we could've taken on the world...
Together, we would do it.
So... why aren't we?

Do you remember when we laid, and stared up at the stars?
How bright. Then the rain came, and tumbled down upon us.
A frigid night, and I could feel you shaking- but I was warm
because you were there with me.

I've held you in my arms and whispered, that
"Everything I had ever wanted in this world is laying
right by my side"- and I guess I just
want you to know that I meant every word.

Together we really seemed perfect.
We said we could take on the world.
Together, we would.
So why aren't we?

September 2005

I sit here, in my shell,
and I can't seem to feel anything at all.
Because when that cloud
of loneliness
wraps itself around you,
it suffocates any opportunity
for feeling.
Have you ever felt this way?
I doubt it,
because I have never left you alone.
Not once.
Not even
when you ran from me,
harboring fear of our future.
Not even
when you moved out of the state.
I was there at the drop of a hat
and at the turn of a whim,
I was there.
And I have been here,
thinking about you, still.
Both without motion and
throughout the passing of time.
Thinking, about how I might strangle you,
thinking about how hard you've made it.
Thinking about the numerous ways
I might
let myself die
without it being suicide
because I know that if I killed myself
you would most definitely
and inconsolably
be upset.
But that's my goal, isn't it?
To make sure that you do not, ever,
get upset.
So I smile
and I walk
and I live,
and pretend
to have fun,
but never have I had fun
when you weren't there to allow it.
So now
I listen to music that you'll never hear,
A mixtape or two of my heart,
a playlist deleted,
the fascinating lyrical sketch
of pain.
Can't you see?
Aren't you an artist?
I can't encapsulate that in words.
I truly do not think it possible,
but here I am trying.
Remind you of anything?
Useless, isn't it? Dreaming, I mean.
Thinking that I might someday "get you back."
Revenge or rehabilitation. Either works.
Thinking, that someday I might again be happy.
Thinking, just thinking.
You know as well as I do
that it is all I do these days.
But really, I should hate you.
But, I shouldn't.
It is not your fault that you didn't know
that you weren't really in love.
You had all the symptoms.
Or at least,
you thought you did.
I thought you did.
Maybe you did.
You were,
at least,
in what your heart determined
your version of love.
But your version has been tainted.
By smarmy, backstabbing bastards
and abusers
and sex,
and television
and alcohol
and your new life.
Your new friends.
Your new location and
your new music and
your new personality.
Your new attitude.
Toward me, toward everyone.
You don't care anymore, It seems, about me
or what we had.
Really, it shouldn't be important.
I'm getting over it.
I have this new girl in mind.
She is cute, she is boring.
She's average.
She doesn't like me, either.
But I can always hope
that someday
if I do ever fall for her,
it will at least help me to
erase the memory that I have
of you.

Untitled

For a moment there I thought I had a real friend.
One that really cared.
Once again, a fair weather friend.
I can't blame you, can I?
Someone that I don't know?
I miss having someone that really knows.
I miss you.

Your Daughter (Abridged)

Thank you, sir for putting something
so beautiful into the world.
I imagine you've raised her well.
And she’s done good, as she was told.
She adores you, however hard
that is to believe, she really does.
I know the caring you’ve put into her
Has made her someone that I now love.

I don’t know how to say this, I’m
Really just an amateur, you know.
I’ve never been in love before;
Words like these I’ve never spoke.
But believe me, sir; young as I may be,
I know the meaning of forever
And forever, I promise we will be,
If you let me marry your daughter.

I can understand that you’re surprised,
I mean, I know I would be too.
I know it’s hard to believe that she's
with someone doesn’t look like you.
But I want to assure you, sir,
It’ll happen- law school’s on the way
And ask her, sir, you’ll see-
Happy is something we are every day.

I know how hard it will be
For someone like her and someone like I.
We don’t look quite right, I know,
And we’ve witnessed some harsh and hateful eyes.
I know that if there was one person
That we would really need on our side
I know that’s you sir, and I need
Your blessing: your daughter as my bride.

So I'm asking you, my confidant,
For the largest favor a man can ask.
I'm asking you to give up
Your daughter up to another man.
If there's anything that matters,
In this world, sir, it's love
Not appearance, not connections
Nor any of the above.

I know it will be difficult sir;
We've already gone over that.
I know that we will fight every day
To keep ourselves from falling flat.
But I have faith and I have trust,
And I have God, and we'll get through it.
As long as we're together
Nothing that can tear us. We'll prove it.

We'll prove that love can conquer all.
We'll prove that there's nothing more.
Well then, we'll marry without your blessing,
I regret that you say that, sir.
I don't appreciate that language,
I came here in respect, you know that now.
And I'll leave here in respect,
And I'll take that solemn, sacred vow.

I'm leaving now, please know I'll always
Take care of your precious daughter.
I promise that aside from marry her,
I'll do nothing else to harm her.
I'll be happy, and I know you'll be
Because your daughter will be too.
I love her, sir, she loves me,
And as you know, we love you too.

Sonnet

a You see her face when times of sleep draw near,
b the view imprinted into your heart’s eyes;
b though easily destroyed with well-placed lies,
a her affection. It soon gives way to fear.
a Is there a way to see, even through seers,
b how long a relationship will comprise?
b Is there ever a way to break those ties?
a Is love forever, through the dark and clear?
c Some still have hope, that love will never die;
d just stay current between woman and man.
c One of these believers in love am I.
d But in one’s heart, be diminished, love can.
c No more is there reason for me to lie…
d yet still, I love her more than any man.

A Boy Painted a Picture

A boy painted a picture
And he entitled it ‘love’
It was saturated with red and hearts
And what his dreams had been made of
Red and white and autumn sunsets,
And places to where your heart gives you a shove.
His mother taped it on the refrigerator,
Without looking, told him ‘good job’
And gave him a pat on the head
From above.

A boy drew a picture
And he christened it ‘death’
He penciled in skulls and crossbones
And countenances with no eyes left
Charcoal black and grey and disheartening things
He had not learned the names of yet.
His father brought it to work
To display it to his colleagues
And delivered ‘good job’ with booze
On his breath.

A boy made a collage
And he titled it ‘life’
He cut out pictures of money and a mansion
Didn't forget the beautiful wife.
And green and blue and a big label
And a fancy new convertible to drive.
His best friend said it was good
But he should put down the scissors
And realize just how tough it is
To survive.

A boy painted a picture
Said it was to be called 'to be’
Outlined a cigarette-burned face
Next to a forgotten summer’s skinned knee.
Maroon for agony and ruptured hearts
Dark blue his dysfunctional family
He peered more deeply into the world
And saw that up until then
Most of his artistry
Contained no reality.

Hope is a Hoax

Maybe not.
Maybe the dream can't come to life.
Maybe hope is a hoax.
Did you ever hear the wolf cry
to the blue corn moon? I haven't.
But I dreamt I did, and it was beautiful.
Maybe it was, it was only a dream.
That never came
to life, to fruition. Never came true.
Maybe it is not real. Is it?
Have you ever been in love?
Or was it just a dream?
Were there tears in that dream
or just happiness?
Was there pain in that dream
or only joy?
Was there a longing;
did you yearn for something that wasn't,
and would never be,
really there?
Did you live in that dream forever
or did it end, like everything does, in death?

Untitled

I can't accept that it's over.
Really, it isn't but
like the smell in the air,
you can tell when the tempest
is near.

I can't believe how you're different.
Just a few short weeks there
and your new friends have shown
a side of you I did
not know.

I'll still hold onto the dream;
imagining that we're
together forever,
but that sliding scale now points
to 'never'.

It isn't supposed
to be this hard to let go.

The times that we cherished...
Memories, photographs.
Three words that had meant
two lives that were
together spent.