“Have you ever seen that movie, Before Sunset?” Asked John. Seth turned his head from where it had been placed against the glass, facing out the window at the passing highway and coast. He looked over to where John sat in the driver’s seat. It had been a remarkably quiet drive for one that included someone who was normally as talkative as John, and Seth was somewhat worried at how serious and seemingly “deep-in-thought” John had been for the past few hours. John did, actually, act this way often, but he usually balanced his contemplative demeanor with some kind of intellectual or philosophical discussion promptly. Sporadic small talk had peppered the drive, but Seth, being as introverted as he was, hadn’t managed to coax John out of his momentary shell. He was relieved that John’s pent-up well of conversation had finally sprung.
“Um…” He pondered for a moment. “Does it have…? No. Who’s in it?”
They were driving South. To where, they weren’t sure, but weeks of boredom prompted the four friends—John, Seth, Derek, and Derek (a.k.a. Jones)—to make a road trip from Seattle to Los Angeles—or wherever they could find along the way. It was something like an 18 hour drive, and they were on their second day of the journey. They had insofar traveled a few hundred miles, and spent the night at a dilapidated hotel somewhere either at the bottom of Colorado or the top of California, they couldn’t exactly remember. Now, the two Dereks slept in the back seat of Seth’s SUV while John drove.
“It has Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.” John responded. “It was directed by Richard Linklater? Came out in 2004… Actually, it’s a sequel to the movie Before Sunrise, which was made like, eight or nine years earlier I think, but has the same actors and characters and everything. It’s like the same movie actually just, like, nine years later.” He changed lanes and let a faster driver pass him on the left side. “I’ll never get used to California traffic.” Seth nodded.
“I think I might have seen that one. Well, I think I saw one of them. Was he the same guy that did Waking Life?”
“Yeah, definitely!” John responded enthusiastically. “Yeah, yeah, it’s like a very similar type of movie, I really love his stuff. Like in Waking Life, how the main dude just like, goes around and talks to people for like two hours, and that’s the whole movie? But they have like the most amazing conversations, right? That’s what Before Sunrise and Before Sunset are like also.”
“Yeah, I might have seen one of them…” pondered Seth. “Or maybe some of it. Wasn’t Ethan Hawke in Waking Life too? I remember reading this thing on some IMDB message board or something about those movies, like, Waking Life took parts of one of those movies, or made a new scene or something strange. I don’t remember what they were saying about it.”
“Yes, I know what you’re talking about. Yeah, in Waking Life, there is a scene that would have taken place between Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, but it never really happened—like, in the context of those two movies, the scene couldn’t have happened because they never met up. I mean, like, it has the same characters as in those movies, but it’s like, a fictitious situation. Oh, well, you wouldn’t get it yet, I would have to explain the whole premise of the two movies, it would take forever.”
“We have something like eight or nine more hours until we get to LA, man.” Seth sighed and attempted to stretch his feet as he spoke. “I have plenty of time to talk about decent films and Richard Licklater and stuff.”
“Linklater. And yeah, we have time, so I’ll get into it later, anyways, I was just saying that he’s a great director. So anyways, the movie, Before Sunset. Well, what I was going to say is from before that. Well. Anyway, let me start at the beginning.”
“The beginning of what?” Interrupted Seth.
“Of, like, what happened to me the other day, this like, realization I made or something? Or like, I don’t know, I like wanted to—well, I wanted to talk about something, and there is this whole like, story attached to it. I’m sorry; it’s totally rude, right? I mean, well, like, I’ve been thinking a lot recently.”
“You always think a lot. You think too much.” And in response to the look that subsequently formed on John’s face, he added: “But not in a bad way. Like, in a cool way, like contemplative, mature way. You’re like the most fun person I know to talk to, because you don’t just talk a lot, you actually say things. You know?”
“Thanks, man.” John couldn’t help but beam at the gracious compliment.
“Well, I mean it. So,” and Seth switched into a God-like, expansive, overdramatic voice.
”‘In the beginning… Jonathan Lee was born.’”
“Ah, shut up. So anyways. Man, I’m so bad at making a like, segue from and to different points in my head. It’s like all of my thoughts are interconnected, like this huge matrix like on that—you know that car insurance commercial, with ‘the matrix’? “ Seth nodded, in acknowledgement—‘I know the one’, he seemed to be saying. “But like, when they come out of my mouth, all the little, strands of yarn connecting them are lost and so I’m stuck trying to put the pieces together again. So, anyway, I’ll try my best to make it intelligible.”
“You always seem to”.
“Thanks. Anyway—“
“No, I mean,” Seth interrupted again, “you always seem to try to, but rarely do you ever succeed in making any sense.”
“Ha. Ha. You’re hilarious. So the other night I was driving, like down A street or something, I don’t know where or when. It was nighttime though, not too many cars out, I know that. It must have been late. So I’m driving, and it’s raining a little bit. And this song comes on the radio. And I don’t know what station I was listening to, but it was like, one of the University stations around here. Like U Dub or Puget Sound or U Seattle, I have no idea, because I can’t remember where I was driving.”
“How’d you get home then?” interjected Seth under his breath, half-teasing.
“Shut up. I don’t know. I wasn’t lost, I just don’t remember where I was at the moment, and anyway that’s not important. Anyway. So, I’m listening, and you know how every station is playing Christmas carols right now, and that’s all you hear on any mainstream station, but I was expecting the indie station, the college station, to perhaps play something different, but lo and behold, it’s Christmas carols—except, it was different. They were playing these amazing, slow, melodic, instrumental versions of Christmas carols. It almost seemed like some kind of like, Bright Eyes interpretation of each Carol, only without the words.”
“Nice Bright Eyes reference, you dork. Are you trying to upstage me or something?”
“Anyways,” continued John, clearly pretending to ignore Seth’s comment, “it was just really, really great music. And then, and here’s the poignant part, I looked around, and I had taken off my slippers because they were soaked—“ And in response to the peculiar half-grin on Seth’s face, he added, “and I don’t know why I was wearing my slippers, I just was, for some reason, and they were soaking wet.” Seth gave him a quizzical look. John attempted, once again, to continue as if nothing had happened. “And so I remember that I had turned on the heater in the car to low, and just on to feet and defrost mode, you know, and so it was blowing warm air at my feet, but really softly. And the rain was like this perfect rain, like, not too arduous, you know? Like the windshield wipers were probably only set to like, the third level, and there are like eight levels or something, you know? So it was like the perfect rain, like only 3/8 of rainstorm level, like, that’s a good, comfortable level. And I had warm air on my feet and soothing music in my ears and the view of the rain and the night and everything, and I was like, wow.”
“It seems as though you spent a very special evening with yourself, there, John”.
“That’s not it, hold on.” And upon realizing that he was being teased, he added: “And shut up. So I was just chillin’, like, enjoying it, when on to the radio comes the song ‘The First Noel’. And I don’t know any of the words to the song, it’s just like,” and he began to imitate the tune of the song. “Duh-duh duh, duh-da-duh duh, doo-dee-dah duh duh-duh… here is the ki-ing of Is-ra-el, blah blah, but there are no words, just like, the music part. But it got me thinking, about like, what Pastor Mike talked about in church last week.” Seth gave him a frown instead of a smile this time, as though to say, ‘don’t even start’. “Don’t tell me not to start. Just hear me out. So in church Pastor Mike was talking about the different names for God. Like, Abba, and King of Kings, and Savior, Messiah, Christ, El Shaddah, or something, etc. Anyway, so we learned that the ‘el’ part of Noel means God. And Like, I was thinking of that when I heard the song, like, ‘I wonder what the ‘No’ part means’, you know? And then afterward came on some other really, expansive, glorious song, that song that just like, melts into your entire body through your ears? It was just so beautiful, and I was thinking about all of the things that I love in the world. I love rain, and I love warmth on my feet, and I love music, and I love God, and it was like all my passions and hope and joy in the world were there in that car with me at the same time, and I was just, for the briefest of moments, entirely content. I read this book, called The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and the main character describes a similar experience, except different, but anyway, he describes it as feeling ‘infinite’. And I swear, at that moment in that car with the heat and rain and God and music, I swear I felt infinite.” Seth simply smiled, and they sat for a moment and contemplated that.
“We get that so rarely, don’t we?” Responded Seth after a while. “Like, a moment to just sit back and feel content. I always expect that I’ll feel that way at Christmas or Thanksgiving or something, you know? Like when you’re in a situation with family and friends, and gifts and food and all the things in the world that you have to feel happy about. But for some reason you don’t, you just don’t feel happy, or content or whatever. And it takes a late-night car ride and a perfect song to feel that way.” John nodded. “You know what’s weird? I can’t even remember the last time I felt that way? Like, I feel happy pretty often, you know, when good stuff happens, but contentedness is so, so hard to come by.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. I want to like, write it down or something so that I’ll remember. Like, that’s part of the reason that I’m telling you about it, because you know, if I just have it happen, and then the feeling goes away, and I forget and nobody else ever knows, then it’s like it never happened.” He sighed and looked out his window for just a moment. “I hate that about the past, about memories, about experiences that you have alone. I can’t trust my brain to recall all the amazing memories I’ve experienced, or beauty or anything. It’s like, full of all the horrible times, the bad memories. My brain is so predisposed to focus on that stuff instead of the good stuff that it should be focusing on.”
“Yeah really.” Agreed Seth. “Like, ‘it’s not my fault I’m depressed’! I just can’t remember any of the good times. I only remember the bad times. Maybe that’s why we take pictures, you know? Have photo albums, yearbooks, like, if you think about it, those are the fakest things in this world, and yet we rely on them. Because nobody takes pictures of bad times, nobody writes down about their pain so they can remember it later. So we throw a bunch of photos of smiling people in a book to help jog our memories because all our brains seem to remember are the bad times. We need the photos to remind us that, yes, we were at one time happy. We did do fun things once. It wasn’t always this way.”
“Right. So that’s what I started thinking, sort of. Well, I mean, the other day, when I was in the car. You know what? I actually started thinking of Natalie.”
“John—“ began Seth.
“No, no, no, don’t start that with me. I know how unhealthy everything is, I know that her name, to you, is associated with all that causes me pain and suffering in this world, I know all that so shut up. I didn’t control it. I just thought of her. Listen to this, you’ll like this. So I thought of my contentedness, and having the things I loved in the car. Well, I didn’t really think of my family, and I love them, but I think that’s because they are more of a given.” He crinkled his eyebrows together and thought about that for a short moment. “I mean, they weren’t in the car because they are a given love, of course I love them.” He paused again. “Anyway, so I thought of Natalie, Natalie Choi like,” and he made a sweeping hand motion toward his face that took his hands off of the wheel for just a moment, which caused Seth to gasp. This time, however, John didn’t notice. “Entered my brain. She just entered, and I realized, at that moment, that I was OK before she came.”
“I’m so proud of you! Finally…” congratulated Seth.
“No, listen. So I was like, I’m OK before she is there. And I realized that I didn’t need her there, to be content. To be happy. And I realized that if she was there, if she added like, a fifth point to those four points of joy, that that would be OK too—she would be like an added bonus, an extra credit. That I didn’t need her to ace the class, but having her sure helps and stuff. That’s a bad analogy.”
“Yes, it is.” Agreed Seth. “It’s especially bad because you compared Natalie Choi to some school assignment when she is more like a Garbage Duty that we used to get in junior high.”
“You know that I don’t like it when you put her down.”
“I don’t care whatsoever. She tore you apart. She completely owned you, there is no way I am going to treat her with respect, ever. I don’t have to, just because you dated her for so long and whatever. There is no obligation.”
“OK, whatever.”
“But I’m still proud that you realized you don’t need her. It took you a while. We had been telling you that forever.”
“You won’t be proud of me for too long. So that feeling, that contentedness, it lasted like five minutes, you know? Long enough for me to pray, and then it was gone basically. So then I started thinking about that movie, Before Sunset.”
“Ah, here’s the segue. You didn’t do half bad.”
“Thanks, scullion.”
“I still don’t know what that means,” responded Seth with a skeptical countenance.
“Good. So in Before Sunset, it’s these two people and they are meeting for the second time every in nine years, like this chance occurrence. They had fallen in love in one night nine years ago and never saw each other again and nine years later, here they are in Paris. And this movie is like not a good example of this at all, but they have all these intelligent, amazing conversations, like Linklater likes do you, you know?”
“Then why isn’t it a good example?” Seth asked.
“Just hold on.” John responded. “That’s not what I meant. So, there’s a scene where they are sitting in her flat in Paris, and she plays him a waltz on her guitar. And he is sitting there and she makes tea and he puts on a Nina Simone record, and she is talking about what Nina Simone is like in concert, and she like imitates her and kind of dances around the living room or whatever, and he is sitting on the couch watching her, and I realized something. I realized just how comfortable those two people are with each other. That she can dance around in front of him without trepidation. And it made me think about comfort, and how related to contentedness that is. You know? And I thought about how much I missed having that level of comfort with one other person, you know? And Seth, you’re basically my best friend, but I even have reservations with you, when I talk, or do things, or whatever.” Seth closed his eyes halfway and studied John earnestly. It was easy because John had to keep his eyes on the road, and Seth could study him without him noticing. John continued talking. “But when I was with Natalie, there was nothing. And I never realized when we were together that this feeling wasn’t reciprocated, but there was no fear in me when I was with her. I had no fear of offending her, I had no fear of embarrassment, and I had no fear, I mean. I mean; I would do an impersonation of Nina Simone in front of her, you know? I mean, we had sex, I mean, how can you be embarrassed about anything when you have stood entirely bare in front of that person, you know? And to give her credit, she also bared her entire body to me, but I felt like I gave her my entire soul with it as well. Like for me, sex wasn’t sex, it was making love, you know? Like, with that act, not just that part of my body went inside her, it was like my entire body, my entire being went into her. I gave her like, my entire heart, everything about me.” He paused as another, related, thought came into his head. “This guy came to Leadership class one time and talked about how we are like these big circles, and inside, in the center is a smaller circle: our most private, perfect selves, and when we find our soul mate it’s when our big outer circle just barely gets inside of someone else’s inner circle, and their outer circle just barely reaches inside of your inner circle. And I know for a fact that she had complete, unfettered access to my inner circle, but I never once even got to peer over the wall into hers, no matter how often I knocked or tried to batter down that freaking wall.” Seth just listened. He was silent, he knew that saying anything would hinder, rather than help. “And I was watching this movie and I see couples and I see my parents and they are just utterly, completely comfortable with each other. In the movie Julie Delpy’s character talks about how some couples get bored of each other because they already know each other’s mannerisms or something, like they know exactly how the other person will react in any given situation. But she says that at that moment that she knew her lover’s exact reaction to any given situation, she wouldn’t be bored, it would be when she knew that she was truly in love. And I couldn’t predict Natalie’s behaviour, but I’m entirely sure she could have predicted mine, I mean, I told her my entire life, my fears, my soul. I showed so much to her, it doesn’t even make sense. And we were just so comfortable, and the last time I remember feeling content like I felt in the car the other night, was like, the last time that I slept with her. Not had sex, because, whatever, but I mean, when I slept with her. She was just barely falling asleep, and she had the perfect look on her face…” Seth could look over and see a slight grin, and then a full on smile, forming on John’s face as he remembered, for once, a good memory. “That look that you can only really appreciate from two inches away. It looked like she was content as well, just relaxed, whatever, just tired, and she looked like a perfect example of beauty. You know? I mean, she has some acne, and she has a scar on her forehead, and I mean, whatever, wispy hair, dry lips, whatever you want to say about her but when I looked at her from that close up she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my lifetime. And I was just staring at her and smiling at the realization that I was the luckiest person in the entire world because I had fallen in love with the most beautiful person on this planet, and she asked me what I was thinking about. You know, that typical pillow-talk question, you know? When the silence just gets a little bit too awkward. So she asked me, and I swear, I remember exactly what I answered, and it sounds like a line from a movie, but it wasn’t and I didn’t think of it before to say it, and I meant every word, and it came out like a quote, but I really just said exactly what was on my heart, you know?”
“What did you say?” asked Seth.
“I told her, ‘Everything I have ever needed in life is laying right here in my arms’. And she did one of those happy sighs, but she looked somewhat sad. I think it was because she would never be able to sincerely tell me the same thing. And she responded, and it means so much now when you think about it, but she told me ‘One day, I’ll be able to see your love.’ And I knew exactly what that meant, and I knew that we were going to be broken up soon after, and we were, soon after. And it isn’t sad because of that, those are just facts, you can’t be sad about facts—you can just accept them or be wrecked by them.
“That’s why I’m not mad at her, she followed her heart and did what she felt, but eventually she realized that she couldn’t any longer feel it. She wasn’t comfortable like I was. She couldn’t feel my love like I could feel it. That’s all it comes down to, you know? So how can I be angry? She did give it her all, it just didn’t work out. I can’t blame her one iota. Some times things just don’t work out?
“That’s kind of, like, mature thinking, my friend.” Seth commented. “I don’t think I could ever say something like that about someone that broke my heart.”
“Well, I learned from it. You know, in some ways I’m pretty happy that she never gave me her heart,that she never really fell in love with me. Because then, I mean, now, she doesn’t have a broken heart, you know? Like she’ll never have to feel, at least because of me, how I feel right now. I don’t want her to ever feel like this. I don’t want anyone to, you know? I can be content with that, at least, knowing that she isn’t heartbroken.” Seth looked at him.
“You’re a rare breed, you know that? Life is going to be hard for you, I know it. But when you find the right girl, you are going to treat her so well, and she is going to be so perfect for you, that it’s going to put everyone else to shame. You know that, right?
“I think in some ways, I know that, but it still sucks waiting, right?” He laughed.
“Yeah. So anyway, tell me about Before Sunrise, why should I see this movie? And will I even need to after you tell me the entire plot?” Asked Seth.
“Don’t worry about it, there isn’t really even a plot. Hey, can we wake up Jones and Derek or something? I’m getting tired of driving. Aren’t we even in San Francisco yet?” John started complaining.
“Just tell me, does the movie let you know the secret of what happens in the meadow at dusk? Is that how good it is?” Seth joked.
“Shut up, you scullion! OK, So it’s a really long story, but it isn’t really. It’s all about one night. OK, so I’ll start at the beginning, there is this American guy, and he’s on the Eurorail going to Vienna…”
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