Originally Posted Monday, November 14, 2005

Sadness

is

loving someone
yet having nothing
of worth
to offer them.

All I have is myself.
My body
my soul
my thoughts
my gifts
my words
my ears
my heart.
Are those worth anything?

No?

Then I am worthless.

also...
I am conceited.
I am selfish.
I am misguided.
I am self-absorbed.
I am scared.
I am hopeless.
I am useless.
I can't win.
I can't learn.
I am the same as always.
I am the same as I was high school.
I can't trust.
I need to grow.
I need to learn.
I need to appreciate myself.
I need to appreciate others.
I think I need less expectations.
I know I need God.

I need to be single. I need to learn to rely on myself before anyone else can ever rely on me. I need to learn how to give up control to God. I need to learn how to see what is best for someone else before thinking what is best for me. I need to stop worrying about my life and let God's perfect timing happen. I need to realize that everything is for the best. I need to learn what love is.

I seem to remember that one time at Albertson's...
you grabbed my arm, and we up and danced!
That music- so poor. But we were perfect;
alone in a crowd, alone in a world of our own.

And the first time we met for our very first date?
You were tired- jet lagged for sure, and red were your eyes.
But you came out to see me, so excited, and up we went.
You told me you were cold, but I left on my jacket!

We've moved pretty far from there, haven't we?
I'm here for you now, if you ever do need me.
But... I'm reasonably certain you don't anymore.
I think- you're just a bit too busy out finding yourself.

Remember when we laid, blanketed, and stared up at the stars?
How bright. Then the rain came, and tumbled upon us.
A frigid night, and I could feel you shaking- but I was warm,
because you were enveloped in me, and I in you.

I've held you in my arms, and whispered a scene-
said, "Everything I have ever wanted in this world is laying
right by my side"- and I knew it right then, and I just
want you to know now, that I meant sincerely every word.

Together we really seemed perfect, no brakes, no ceiling.
We said we could take on the world, and I stood at attention.
Into battle, together, we would go, we would conquer.
So why aren't we?

I've had this song in my head since early this morning
or was it late last night? I can't seem to recall.
I just know that it has been pressing hard on my heart
to say not what's just on my mind, but to say it all.

I always thought that I knew you ever so well
and that I could make my decisions with you in mind.
I never really knew what your love could mean until
I saw that it was given, until what you gave was mine.

So know this, my dear, I'll never stray from your side.
If you need someone to hold, I'll be there tonight.
Just listen to my voice and block out the rest
and I swear that we'll end up alright.

You have had your troubles, and you are not perfect.
And we have upset each other, oh, quite a bit.
There are times when I think you have lied to me,
when we could both have been called a 'hypocrite'.

I've made my mistakes, actually more than my share.
And I have hurt you so much that I can't understand
why you come back and give to me that disguised gift
when I know that I am surely not yet your man.

But know this, my dear, as long as I live and I breathe
if you need someone to hold I'll be at your side.
Just give me a call and I'll be there to tell you
that I swear that we'll end up alright.

We laid together on the bed
and tears spilled out of my eyes.
You didn't understand...
but neither did I.